I wish it was only joyful

Yet another dear friend has recently informed me that she's pregnant.  I wish my response to the news was only joyful, but it wasn't.  I was overcome with many emotions, most of them far from joy.  And then I got angry with myself for feeling that way and not being able to separate my pain from her joy.  When I wrote her, I wanted to be even more descriptive in my explanation of the difficulty I have in hearing others' pregnancy joys, but I saved that for my blog instead.  

I am in need of some reassurance here.  I guess I just want to know I'm not wrong in feeling the way I do right now.  I don't think any of you who I've invited to read this have actually been through stillbirth, so maybe I'm looking for reassurance in the wrong place.  Nevertheless, I continue to hope and believe that if I can at least share with you some of the depths I find myself in, it will help - even if you can't relate... even if you don't know what to say... and even if no one is actually reading my words.  At least I'm getting them out.  

I've started to think more positively about the idea of going to a support group.  Please pray for me.  

*And to my dear, newly pregnant, sweet friend... you will probably end up reading this, and I hope and pray you can sympathize with my pain and struggles, and understand my need to express myself here.  

Here is what I wanted to write to her.  Some is what I actually wrote.  Some is what I saved for this blog entry:

Congratulations!  I am very happy for you.  I know you have been wanting this for a long time.  I have to admit, though, that happiness was not the only emotion I felt when I heard your news.  And that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with losing Rami.  It is really hard for me right now, has been and continues to be.  I have quite a few friends who have either given birth or become pregnant since we lost Rami, and each time I receive what should only be joyful news, it comes with so much pain.  It's like a sucker punch to the gut followed by a stab in my heart, and it sets me spinning all the way back to those intensely painful moments when I learned Rami was gone, yet still in me and I would not get to hear his first cry as he entered the world.  I don't say this to make you feel bad - that's not at all what I want.  Please, please, please don't feel bad and I hope you're not upset with me.  I just want to explain myself and what I'm dealing with.  This has been the most horrible, difficult, dark time of my life and it's not over yet. 

I hope and pray you are well, as is the precious little one in your tummy.  Please forgive me if my response is anything less than you hoped for.  I just have to be honest about what I'm going through. 

Tiffany