May I vent? Thanks.

Why must people ask me if I'm pregnant???  I AM NOT PREGNANT.  That question is asked on a regular basis by strangers, students, and sometimes full-grown adults who know me and surely should know better than to ask such things.  I do have a slight belly, and always have, and the rest of my body is thinner now than ever before in my adult life.  I can understand why one might be tempted to speculate - but one should NEVER actually ask.

That question has always been frustrating and insulting to me over the years.  The first time I was asked, I was only 17 years old.  I was far too young to be having babies, and shocked at the question.  Right now I could give many, many examples of incidents in which I was asked that question - interactions which are so brief, yet so unpleasant, they seared into my memory.  The first was a shopper that asked me when I was expecting, while I was helping her pick out a pair of Dockers for her husband when I worked at Sears at the age of 17.  There was that co-worker at the school where I interned in Mexico at the age of 22, who, after I insisted I was NOT pregnant, actually went so far as to rub my belly while insisting I could confide him, that my secret was safe with him.  There have been countless students who have so innocently and joyfully asked me if I "have a baby in my tummy".  That question used to invoke embarrassment, frustration, shame and anger in me - and understandably so.  But since we lost Rami, that question does all that AND manages to bring all my regret and sorrow immediately to the surface of my conscious awareness.  It just happened again today, with a stranger this time, who commented on the "little one on the way".  It's maddening!!  WHY do people say such things??  I could understand making pregnancy comments if my belly looked like a basketball under my shirt, but that is not the case.  People simply should not ask such things.  It's so insulting, especially at this time in my life.

Ghaith says I need to get used to it, to let it roll off my back, not let it bother me.  I disagree.  I think I may start putting people in their place when they put their foot in their mouth with me.  I can't avoid the comments, but I may be able to help another woman from being embarrassed in this way after me.

Job interviews

I have another job interview today.  It's one of many in a long, drawn-out series of interviews for the Spanish Immersion "pool of applicants" as they call us at Portland Public Schools.  I went to 7 interviews last year, and all that time and energy and nervousness resulted in - no job.  I'm sure it was because I was pregnant and no one wanted to hire me and deal with the issues that come with a teacher going on maternity leave.  I've been bitter about it, but now I can see that although it has been a financially difficult year, I was blessed by not having my own classroom.  A classroom comes with many obligations and responsibilities, and often long work hours.  This past 7 1/2 months have been by far the most difficult months of my life, as you well know.  There were many days I didn't have the strength to go to work, and many days that I went, but my heart and mind were not invested in what I was doing.  I am thankful I didn't have a classroom full of kids and parents depending on me this year.  As a substitute, I just show up, manage crowd control for the day, and go home when the kids do.  It's a good thing I didn't have to do much more than that.

So, now I'm ready for my own classroom again.  Today's interview is the most important, and the most nerve-racking.  I have to go sit in front of a panel of school principals and teach them a lesson - in Spanish, followed by a 30-minute interview in English, followed by a 30-minute written assessment of my Spanish.  If they approve, then I will get called in for interviews with schools throughout the summer, and hope one of them likes me enough to give me a job.

Here I sit, preparing for my day and praying for calm nerves.  I am good at what I do as a teacher, I am qualified to do it, and the only reason I am feeling nervous is because I have to get up in front of a bunch of adults and do what I do in front of children every day.  I am praying for confidence and peace.

I found this today, and it helps.

"I pray that God, who gives you hope, 

will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him.  

May you overflow with hope 

through the power of the Holy Spirit.  

~Romans 15:13

Selah.

Making progress!