You may not know that G and I recently lost a pregnancy. It was twins this time, and I was 3 months along. They never formed properly, and instead of watching them grow in ultrasounds over the weeks and months, we watched them in their stunted attempts to develop, followed by shrinkage into little masses of nothing inside my womb. My doctors were concerned that I was experiencing something called a "molar pregnancy". This is a pregnancy in which the tissues which should form the baby will never actually become a fetus, and instead have the potential to become cancerous masses which later will either be removed or given birth too. Had we not been through Rami's stillbirth, we would not have been having ultrasounds done so early, and would not have caught this strange pregnancy in it's early stage, possibly leading to further complications for me.
In November, it was confirmed that the twins in my belly were not growing, that they were in fact doing the opposite - they were shrinking. I would need to have the pregnancy removed in a procedure called a D&C. My hormone levels were so high from the strange pregnancy I was going through, that I was extremely emotional and physically exhausted all the time. I was scared of the procedure, and feeling numb inside about having to go through yet another loss. I had the procedure done in mid-November, and later learned that I was not having a molar pregnancy - so I would not have to worry about the potential for cancer to develop as a result of that pregnancy. I have, however, been strongly advised to wait to get pregnant until a later time so that my body can regain strength and balance - and I think my mama heart needs that too. So here I sit, perfectly ready for motherhood, with a husband also longing to be a father... and we wait.
I've just learned that yet another friend in my life is pregnant, and with that joyous news comes the all too familiar twisting of the knife in my heart. Why does it have to feel so bad to me? I should be happy for her, right? News of a pregnancy or a birth SHOULD be happy, but for me it always brings other emotions. I can hardly even feel a smidgeon of happiness with each new pregnancy announcement, and when those beautiful babies are born, I can barely bring myself to even peak at a photo of them, let alone make the effort to go meet the little bundle of joy. Looking at babies feels like an assault on my eyes and a battering of my already wounded heart. This has happened many, many times since we lost Rami 16 months ago. Every time it comes up, I wish I could feel differently, but I don't know how to. I kick myself for being so negative and self-absorbed. I "should" myself about all the things I should be doing, saying, thinking, feeling... Well the truth is what it is, and what I feel is what I feel. The best I have known to do is avoid those in my life who are newly pregnant or new mothers... and I miss them from afar, from my isolated post in the land of the bereaved mothers ... and I wish for my baby boy ... and I long for the chance to be a mother in this world ... but I will not "should" on myself with all those shoulds I keep thinking of. I will be gentle with myself, and I will honor my process for what it is and where I'm at.
If you think of me, please pray for my wounded heart, and the negative weight of my jealousy, and for peace with the lot I have been dealt, and for trust in God's timing in my life.
~T
