My middle name is Rae. My name on this blog is Tiffany Rae. Funny, as I wrote that I remembered that's what my mom always called me growing up when she was irritated with me about something. It's also her middle name. I didn't like my middle name for most of my childhood - sorry Mom, bet you didn't know that. I thought it was too weird, so different from my friends' middle names; Noel, Marie, Michelle, etc. Rae sounded to me like the man's name Ray - and that was just too weird. But as I got older I came to really like my middle name, and it's feminine spelling rae.
When I was 19 I got a tatoo. It was my own design. It's a radial image of a sun, in which each ray is in the form if a rain drop. In the middle is the Christian fish. Although I'd rather not have it now, I still appreciate it for what it meant to me at the time. It represents my life-long desire to live in a more hot, sunny place while growing up here in the rainy northwest. The Christian fish at the center represents my faith in Jesus to be my hope in the midst of this crazy life and all the difficulty and pain it brings. It seems I've somehow always been able to see the raindrops as liquid sunshine. I've always wanted to get out of the rain, but have been able to see it in a hopeful and bright way. When I met Ghaith and learned that his name means "the beginning of the rain", I was blown away! You see, in the Arab world, the time when the rains start is a joyous, refreshing time. It's not like here in October when the rains start and we hunker down and prepare ourselves for the eight or nine months of gloom to come. Where Ghaith is from, rain is life, rain is something rare and incredibly cherished. As I got to know Ghaith, I saw how true his name's meaning is to his character and who he was becoming to me - who God made him to be for me in my life. He is and has been for me refreshing, redeeming, and has brought me incredible joy. And in the image on my tatoo, you can see our names together, with Jesus at the center. Rays (rae) of sunshine in the form of rain (ghaith).
Now that we are going through the loss of our sweet Rami, we are on a healing journey together. Last summer was an amazing time of joy and expectation for us, and the sunshine carried over into the fall. The very day Rami was born into Heaven, October 23rd, the weather changed. I can remember sitting in the bed in the hospital, holding our dead baby in my arms, weeping as the night turned to day. Looking out the window, Ghaith and I noted how dark and gloomy the weather was, and how strangely fitting it was to the place we found ourselves in life.
And here I sit, nearly 14 weeks later, still weeping inside, still gloomy outside. But I am choosing life, I am choosing to look for my hope in Jesus. And so came the name Tiffany Rae of Hope.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Book of Hope: Rest In Peace
I've been reading "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. Taryn gave it to me a few weeks after we lost Rami. The author lost two of her babies, first a daughter, then a son, early in their infancy to a rare syndrome that she and her husband's genes cause when they make babies together. Their story is so tragic, yet she is able to find hope in the Lord. I am so thankful for this book she wrote. She validates the pain I am in, yet doesn't let me sit and wallow in it. She uses examples from life and from the Bible. She challenges me to think, reflect, and yes, to HOPE.
More often than not, her writing for the day brings me to tears because I can so deeply connect with what she has experienced. Today it wasn't just her writing, but the Bible passages too which brought me to tears. This is entirely new to me, to read the Bible and be moved to tears! Here's what she started today's reading with:
The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace. ~Isaiah 57:1-2
Nancy went on to talk of her grief over the realization of all the things her baby girl (the first baby she lost) would miss out on in this life. I have had this thought about Rami many times. Just yesterday I went on a hike in Washington Park and ended up in one of my favorite spots, a place called "Fairy Forest". I don't know the story of how it came to be called that, but I understand why. When you walk around in the Fairy Forest, you find all sorts of beautiful little fairy houses at the base of the tall trees. I don't know who puts them there, but every time I've gone, there they are! And if you're there on a misty morning as the sun is coming up over the horizon, and you look up toward the sun through the trees, the air actually sparkles. Fairies! This is one place Rami would have enjoyed here on this earth. Yesterday, in my own way, I took him there. I talked with him in my heart, and since I was the only one there, even out loud. I found a vacant tree and I built him a little fairy house.
Then I found a park bench that is planted a little crooked in the ground, so that when you sit on it and lean all the way back and let your head drop behind you, you have an upside down view of the forest. I think Rami would have loved that. I felt so sad that he would never enjoy it with me.
As Nancy wrote of all the things her daughter would miss out on, she realized that the place her daughter was going was actually much richer and fuller and more beautiful than this world. She directed me to two passages of the Bible. The first, Romans 1:18-32 tells of the world from which God delivers those who die. She compares that to the world he delivers us to in Revelation 21:1-7. In this moment, I find peace and hope in having a glimpse of where God has brought my dear Rami into.
More often than not, her writing for the day brings me to tears because I can so deeply connect with what she has experienced. Today it wasn't just her writing, but the Bible passages too which brought me to tears. This is entirely new to me, to read the Bible and be moved to tears! Here's what she started today's reading with:
The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the godly who die will rest in peace. ~Isaiah 57:1-2
Nancy went on to talk of her grief over the realization of all the things her baby girl (the first baby she lost) would miss out on in this life. I have had this thought about Rami many times. Just yesterday I went on a hike in Washington Park and ended up in one of my favorite spots, a place called "Fairy Forest". I don't know the story of how it came to be called that, but I understand why. When you walk around in the Fairy Forest, you find all sorts of beautiful little fairy houses at the base of the tall trees. I don't know who puts them there, but every time I've gone, there they are! And if you're there on a misty morning as the sun is coming up over the horizon, and you look up toward the sun through the trees, the air actually sparkles. Fairies! This is one place Rami would have enjoyed here on this earth. Yesterday, in my own way, I took him there. I talked with him in my heart, and since I was the only one there, even out loud. I found a vacant tree and I built him a little fairy house.
As Nancy wrote of all the things her daughter would miss out on, she realized that the place her daughter was going was actually much richer and fuller and more beautiful than this world. She directed me to two passages of the Bible. The first, Romans 1:18-32 tells of the world from which God delivers those who die. She compares that to the world he delivers us to in Revelation 21:1-7. In this moment, I find peace and hope in having a glimpse of where God has brought my dear Rami into.
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