Why the name?

My middle name is Rae.  My name on this blog is Tiffany Rae.  Funny, as I wrote that I remembered that's what my mom always called me growing up when she was irritated with me about something.  It's also her middle name.  I didn't like my middle name for most of my childhood - sorry Mom, bet you didn't know that.  I thought it was too weird, so different from my friends' middle names; Noel, Marie, Michelle, etc.  Rae sounded to me like the man's name Ray - and that was just too weird.  But as I got older I came to really like my middle name, and it's feminine spelling rae. 

When I was 19 I got a tatoo.  It was my own design.  It's a radial image of a sun, in which each ray is in the form if a rain drop.  In the middle is the Christian fish.  Although I'd rather not have it now, I still appreciate it for what it meant to me at the time.  It represents my life-long desire to live in a more hot, sunny place while growing up here in the rainy northwest.  The Christian fish at the center represents my faith in Jesus to be my hope in the midst of this crazy life and all the difficulty and pain it brings.  It seems I've somehow always been able to see the raindrops as liquid sunshine.  I've always wanted to get out of the rain, but have been able to see it in a hopeful and bright way.  When I met Ghaith and learned that his name means "the beginning of the rain", I was blown away!  You see, in the Arab world, the time when the rains start is a joyous, refreshing time.  It's not like here in October when the rains start and we hunker down and prepare ourselves for the eight or nine months of gloom to come.  Where Ghaith is from, rain is life, rain is something rare and incredibly cherished.  As I got to know Ghaith, I saw how true his name's meaning is to his character and who he was becoming to me - who God made him to be for me in my life.  He is and has been for me refreshing, redeeming, and has brought me incredible joy.  And in the image on my tatoo, you can see our names together, with Jesus at the center.  Rays (rae) of sunshine in the form of rain (ghaith). 

Now that we are going through the loss of our sweet Rami, we are on a healing journey together.  Last summer was an amazing time of joy and expectation for us, and the sunshine carried over into the fall.  The very day Rami was born into Heaven, October 23rd, the weather changed.  I can remember sitting in the bed in the hospital, holding our dead baby in my arms, weeping as the night turned to day.  Looking out the window, Ghaith and I noted how dark and gloomy the weather was, and how strangely fitting it was to the place we found ourselves in life. 

And here I sit, nearly 14 weeks later, still weeping inside, still gloomy outside.  But I am choosing life, I am choosing to look for my hope in Jesus.  And so came the name Tiffany Rae of Hope.