أنا والدة رامي Ani Um Rami

Ani Um Rami.  I am Rami's mother.  I've been telling myself that lately.

As I start to feel myself making improvements, I have guilt.  The guilt comes because movement towards healing feels to me like movement away from Rami.  I would give anything to have him here with me, to be able to love him and provide for him in the ways I should be doing as his mother... but being his mother in the ways I so deeply desire to is not an option.  It's such a strange reality to be living, so strongly wanting to mother him, yet so desperately in need of healing from his death.

Last week was a rough one.  I was having bad PMS, which makes it nearly impossible to keep from tapping into my Rami pain.  I cried myself to sleep several nights in a row, and had emotional blowouts with Ghaith, his mom, and a few friends of ours.  I felt out of control and hopeless.  Ghaith got really worried about me, thinking I was having a major digression in my healing progress.  One of the nights I started crying in bed as Ghaith was falling asleep.  I quickly moved into sobbing and shaking, and couldn't stop myself.  Ghaith was so tired that he was drifting in and out of sleep while trying to comfort me and talk with me when he could keep his eyes open.  When I was finally able to put words to my feelings, I told Ghaith I was feeling sad because I am Rami's mom, but I don't get to be Rami's mom.  You see, where Ghaith and his family are from, once a person becomes a parent he/she no longer goes by his/her own name.  Parents take on their child's name, so Ghaith would be Abu Rami (father of Rami) and I would be Um Rami (mother of Rami).  Ghaith and I are the only people who call each other by our rightful names, and only when we are alone do we dare call each other Um and Abu Rami.  I want to hear his name.  Rami.  It's so beautiful, so special to us.  I want to hear others in our life call us by our Rami-honoring names, but that doesn't happen.  It just doesn't.

Since that night, Ghaith has been sure to call me Um Rami more.  He has greeted me as Um Rami when I come home from work, and when asking me questions and telling me he loves me. It means so much to me to hear it.  What an amazing man he is.

Ani Um Rami.