I’ve had so many thoughts swimming in my head lately, and so little time to write them down. My thoughts, if left to their own devices, can get a bit rambunctious. Some of them, especially the heavy, sad, angry, confused ones, don’t make much sense to me until I can pin them down on paper and take a good look at them. That’s why it’s so important for me to write… and lately I haven’t had much time for writing.
You may or may not know that Ghaith, his parents and I (but mostly the three of them since I’m at work most days) have been working on building a food cart. Ghaith has put a lot of hope, heart and soul into this thing, and I am really hopeful that once it’s built and up and running, that business will be good. I hope and pray for good business, not only for our financial needs, but for my husband’s sanity and self-confidence. He has been wanting to start a food cart since our friend planted the idea in his head over two years ago, when we were still in Amsterdam. She had seen how good a cook Ghaith is, and suggested that he do that for a living.
So the time has come for us to start building this thing, and though I myself don’t feel ready or very interested in much of it, I am supportive of Ghaith’s desire to run his own business and provide for our family, so I go with it. I make phone calls and do research, late night runs to pick up supplies at Home Depot or random people’s houses which we’ve found through craigslist. I drive around and ask other food cart owners about the specific issues we come up against as we go through the construction process. I search youtube for construction how-to videos. I make lists and measurements and drawings. I do and do and do, and give and give and give, and as I give, with the giving and supportive attitude also comes resentment. I feel resentful because I feel like I give and give, but I don’t have enough for myself, let alone enough to give out. Enough what? Energy, motivation, support, time… I give those to this cause constantly, but I don’t have much time to be replenished. What replenishes me? Time alone! I know I’ve talked about this a lot, but it remains a constant in my life these days. I can never get enough of it. And in my time alone, I can do the things I need to do for my own healing and replenishment. I read, I write, I pray, I cry, I create, I organize, and I rest. I NEED those things in order to survive this time.
I was talking with Ghaith the other night about this resentment of mine, because I believe it will help me if I can let it out instead of keeping it hidden inside, but also because G and I agreed to be honest with each other about our feelings from the get go, even when it’s difficult to share. In the fleeting last moments of the day before he falls into the deep sleep of exhaustion that has become so needed for him (and so dreaded for me as his needy wife), I told him my feelings. I reminded him of how in general, men and women handle grief differently. We have talked about this with our counselor. Men tend stuff their feelings and pour themselves into their work, while women need a lot of down time to process, be it through writing, talking, crying, exercising, creating, whatever helps. So Ghaith and I have been putting most of our time and energy into the construction of this trailer and building of this business. I have been giving and giving and not been doing the things I need to do for myself. He is getting what he needs – a passion, a cause, a business endeavor to pour himself into. But as I too pour myself into his work, I am missing out on those things that I need right now. He got it, and I was so glad he did.
Oh my goodness, just as I was writing about this issue, I got a phone call from Ghaith, asking me to go buy this and that at the store because he can’t because he’s got work to do on the trailer. It is so hard to step away from my writing once I’ve delved in, so please Lord help me.
And you all, please pray for me. I want to be a supportive wife, but I also need to help myself. I have so much more to write about…
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| Before picture... stay tuned for the progress and final results! |
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