The Paradox of Grief and Joy

I recently wrote to a friend of mine who also has experienced deep loss in her life.  Three years ago, her dad was killed in a collision.  He was biking on a country road outside the city and a negligent driver hit and killed him.  My friend was completely devastated by her dad's death and remained that way for some time.  In the past year or so, I have seen a change in her.  She has allowed the sadness and bitterness to melt away, and developed a vigor for life, a hunger for joy and an ability to savor life intensely. She has found ways to challenge yourself, and she has an amazing drive in her. I admire these qualities of her character.  I wrote her to ask how and when she was able to feel joy again, and when that did happen, how was she able to fight the guilt in feeling joy after such loss.  She wrote and talked about giving oneself permission to feel whatever it is we are feeling, to be patient with ourself, and to be intentional in our healing.  The following is part of my response to her, including some new experiences of joy in my heart...

Thank you so much for the wonderful response you gave me in my questions about grief and joy and healing from big loss.  It feels so good to hear from you, who've been through deep loss, that I have permission to grieve AND to feel joy. I have been living in both these days, and what a strange paradox it is.

The other night I think I felt joy, true and pure joy, deep down and settling, for the first time since our son died. It was no momentous occasion, no height or achievement or delivery of good news that brought on my joy. It was just one of life's simple moments, peaceful and satisfying to my soul. I would like to explain it.

As you can imagine, I've been way too busy these days with teaching and helping Ghaith to run our food cart business and manage things at home... oh, and not to forget the difficult but essential work of healing my heart from our loss. At the end of my long days, what I want most is to sit with my husband, close and cuddled, and just be. Maybe read a book, journal, watch a movie, whatever. He rarely gives me that, what with his parents in our home and his mind almost constantly in business management mode. He comes home most nights with no energy left for me and he crashes. Well the other night when he got home, he didn't crash. He sat with me and we talked and drank wine and dreamed out loud together. And I felt good. Deep down, I felt rested and settled and happy, and for whatever reasons, my happiness in that sweet moment was not immediately followed by pain, or bitterness, or regret, or even guilt over being happy. I took notice of the contentment in my heart, and I mentioned it to Ghaith. It was a familiar and welcome feeling, but one that's been so far away from my experiences in daily living for so long. And then I realized why I was able to feel that happiness so deeply, and from that deep place came the tears. It's because I have come to accept that our sweet boy is not here with us. I've finally learned how to love and accept him the way he is; fully our son and fully not here with us. I have learned how to love him from afar, knowing that I will never know him in this life, and simultaneously believe that he is with me always.

So, joy has snuck its way back into my being, and I have welcomed it's subtle yet significant arrival.

With love,
Tiffany

Life is one big jigsaw puzzle

I see life as one big jigsaw puzzle, which I can see only parts of, but which God above can see in it’s entirety.  I wander through life, picking up pieces as I go, figuring out how this one I’ve just stumbled upon fits into that one next to it, which I put into place two years ago, which is connected to the one below it, which was put into place long before I even realized it was there.  This has been my view on life for a while now, and most of the time I’ve been content to go along with the game.  Sometimes I’ve enjoyed it more than other times.  Sometimes the discovering of the pieces has been pure joy, even magical in essence.  Sometimes, it has felt like pure hell, being handed a piece I didn’t ask for and never would have imagined for myself or my life’s journey. 

Lately I am wearied by the game, which for me has lost it’s luster.  I am scorned, and the finding of the pieces doesn’t give me the same thrill it once did.  Some days, I question the whole game all together.  Does God really have it all together?  Does he see the big picture?  The ultimate plan?  I am tired and put out by the not knowing, the questions, the vagueness of the picture from where I stand.  Just this evening, I had a talk with God.  It went something like this:

God, why can’t I be moved to a better vantage point?  I want to see the big picture.  I want to know why you allowed that to happen and not the other.  I want to understand what significance certain pieces of my life’s journey hold.  I think I’d be able to handle things a bit better if I could just understand why they are happening, just gain a bit of perspective.  I want to know what your plan is.  I want to see it and understand it.  It seems unfair that I am made to walk this unpredictable, sometimes elating, sometimes torturous path I call my life in a fog of confusion while you sit on your throne with all wisdom and understanding.  Please Lord, a bit of perspective here?

And this was God’s response to me.

My sweetness, if you could see the big picture of your life’s journey in it’s entirety, you would not be able to handle it.  The grandness of the highs and the darkness of the despair, the incredible joys and the debilitating lows would be too much for you to take in all at once.  My wisdom is far too big for you to take in.  Each of those pieces I give you along the way has significance in and of itself.  The wisdom you gain as you fit them into place is enough for you right now.  I give each of them to you as a gift, because you have followed me and sought me and you continue to seek me, even in your greatest pain.  That big picture you long for… trust me my dear when I say it would be too much.  Please, don’t worry yourself with thoughts that are too big for you in your present place.  I give you my word and my word is enough for you.  Use it as a lamp unto your feet, lighting your path one step at a time.  In the end you will see clearly what now you only see through the haze, for your day is young and your journey is not over.  What you now see in part, you will later see in full.  I will make your path straight, and soon enough you will arrive, and in that place the Son will burn away the fog, and your eyes will be opened.  For now, you must just trust me and believe and persevere.  

Lacking

I know the Bible talks about being in a place of lacking in life as if it's a good thing, and that we should be thankful for the times when we are lacking.  That it is in those times of lacking in which we are better able to seek and find God.  I've been lacking a lot these past 3 years, in so many ways, at different times.  I guess God really wants me to find him.

http://www.redletterchristians.org/constructing-an-identity-of-lacking-to-find-god/

where the river kisses the ocean

We went to the beach for the day, finally, just he and I.  After almost two years in Oregon, two years of longing for some alone-together time at the beach, we finally made it there.  The only other time we've been to the beach together (without family or friends) was on our honeymoon in the Fresien Islands.  It was sooooo good to be back at the water's edge.  Good, good, good for our souls.  The weather was perfect and the spot we were at was secluded and quiet.

I heard this song today and it made me think of our perfect day...

It's been a long, long time
Since I opened a window
next to my bed
Since I spent the whole day
just feelin' the sun shift on my head
Since I've dug my feet in
into the edge of this continent
It's been a long, long time
It's been a long time
Home is not just where I am anymore
I know how to get there
It's where I wanna be
It's where the river kisses the ocean
Where I feel small
I feel blessed
And I feel like me

~Sung words from Melissa Ferrick: It's Been A Long Time

The following are pictures from our honeymoon in July, 2009.

The Cadillac of bicycles

National Geographic exhibit

Goofy guy!

intense listening

"Intense listening is indistinguishable from love… and love heals."

I heard this in a sermon today from the pastor of Mosaic church here in Portland.  I started listening to his sermons recently and am really enjoying.

Thank you all, my dear friends for listening to me throughout these past 10 months.  You have helped me on my healing journey and I am grateful.

Light and Darkness

I've been thinking a lot about light and darkness since I slammed my face into the nightstand the other night (see previous post titled "Ouch!").  I have an issue, as I mentioned, with staying up too late, and lately it's just been getting worse and worse.  I haven't been willing to see this an an issue, or confront myself truthfully about it because I felt honestly like I didn't have to.  I have believed for months now that because I lost my son and have been in such terrible grief, anguish and confusion, that I somehow had a "pass" in life.  I felt like I had been dealing with enough in just trying to cope and survive amidst all that's been going on with losing Rami, having G's parents in our home, all the financial burdens, and then starting the new business.  I haven't felt obligated to work on my own issues, like somehow because I was dealing with so much already, I didn't have to work on myself.   That is, until I was smacked into reality with a literal smack in the face.

This is not a new issue for me.  I have always been a "night owl", as we are called, but lately it's worse, and it's affecting my life and my husband's as well.  I've been trying to hide the issue, justify and ignore it too.  I don't do anything wrong or dishonest with that late night time, that's not the issue.  I just indulge in things that I enjoy - watching movies, reading, writing emails, journaling, making or baking things... in the quiet of the night.  Those are all lovely things in their own right, but I'm doing them at 2 or 3 in the morning - and then walking around all groggy and confused during daylight hours because I've not gotten proper sleep.  My sleep hours have shifted dramatically to where I'm not keeping the same sleeping hours as the rest of my household, and I'm missing out on quality of life during my waking hours because my body is off balance.  That blow to the head in the dark the other night happened because I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to hide my issue.  I didn't want to turn on the light because that might have made Ghaith wake up and see how late I was going to bed.

Darkness and Light.  They are likened in the Bible to issues of sin and forgiveness, evilness and righteousness.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  ~Psalm 139: 11-13

It humbles and relieves me to know that my God knows my inmost being.  He knows me better than I know myself.  Even if I hide these things in the darkness, He sees them.  He sees me.  

I looked up light and darkness in the Bible, and found the following verse, which are not meant to be preachy.  I am simply sharing what I've been dealing with and how the Bible is helping me to bring truth to this issue, and hopefully to overcome it.

"He reveals deep and hidden things; 

   he knows what lies in darkness, 
   and light dwells with him."   ~Daniel 2:22

"...wisdom is better than folly,
   just as light is better than darkness."  ~Ecclesiastes 2:13

"Woe to those who call evil good 

   and good evil, 
who put darkness for light 
   and light for darkness, 
who put bitter for sweet 
   and sweet for bitter."   ~Isaiah 5:20

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all."   ~1 John 1:5

Ouch!

I slammed my face into the night stand in the dark in the middle of the night the other night.  Ouch!  I'd dropped something and bent over to pick it up, not knowing the door of the nightstand cupboard was open.  I hit hard and was bleeding and almost passed out because I'm such a wimp with blood.  I had to wake Ghaith up to help me get cleaned up.  I'm glad I didn't need stitches.  For a while there, I was laying in bed with a big ice pack on my eye, embarrassed and imagining how bad the scar was gonna be. 

Truth be told, it was 4:30am and I was only then getting ready for bed.  I didn't want to turn on even a little light to help find my way to bed because I didn't want to wake Ghaith up.  I have a problem with going to bed.  I stay up WAY too late.  It bothers Ghaith and he's talked with me about it many times.  He's gotten mad at me for it, been frustrated about it, and worried for me and my health as a result of it.  I scared the crap out of him, waking him up with a bleeding face.  After he very lovingly helped me to get cleaned up, I told him I felt like God had smacked me in the face, telling me to stop the nonsense and start going to bed on time!

I talked with Ghaith about my problem, and about the rebuke I was sensing from the Lord, and I asked Ghaith's forgiveness because what I was doing was hurting him.  He prayed for me (for no scar and for my avoidance of bedtime), and then he held me until we both fell asleep - the way it should be every night, if I would just go to bed on time.

I went to bed last night by 3am.  Minor improvement.  Pray for me please.

(Prior to eyebrow blow.  I was playing around with an eyebrow pencil for the first time and I liked the results.)